Self-regulation, sometimes called self-soothing, broadly refers to the ability to manage one’s thoughts, feelings, attention, and behaviour to adapt to different circumstances, pursue goals, and respond to social expectations. In children, developing self-regulation is a gradual process: early on, they rely heavily on co-regulation, which means that their caregivers help them feel safe and process their emotions, and over time, they can move toward autonomous self-regulation, where they can regulate their emotions without the help of a caregiver.
This blog looks at several evidence-based techniques that parents can use to help children build self-regulation skills in daily life.
1. Label and normalise emotions (“name it to tame it”)
One of the first steps toward self-regulation is emotional awareness. Parents can help by naming what they observe in a child: “You look frustrated,” or “I see you’re breathing fast.” Bringing attention to physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts can improve the child’s ability to recognise what they are feeling. This doesn’t mean telling children what they must feel, but giving language and acknowledging that emotions are normal.
You can also teach age-appropriate short coping statements, such as: “This is hard, but I can try again,” or “I will pause and breathe.” Over time, children internalise this language and learn to use it to calm and support themselves.
2. Teach controlled breathing
Breathing techniques are simple yet powerful tools. Before reacting, pausing for a few slow breaths can help regulate intense emotions, allowing the child’s thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) to re-engage. Many evidence-based programmes include breathing or short mindfulness practices as a technique. For example, a parent and child might count to four while breathing in, hold for two, then breathe out to a count of six.
Another variant is the “stop, breathe, think, act” sequence: pause, take a breath, think of options, then choose what to do. Rehearsing this when calm helps children learn to use the skill when they become upset.
3. Use visual reminders
Young children, especially, benefit from concrete visual supports. Examples include:
- Emotion charts with faces or coloured zones (e.g. green = calm; yellow = a bit upset; red = intense).
- Traffic light systems for thinking about behaviour: stop, think, go.
- Visual schedules or timers to help children anticipate transitions and regulate themselves.
These visual reminders make it easier for children to follow all the steps, because they don’t need to hold all the steps in mind themselves. Over time, they will remember these steps and no longer need the visual cues to guide them.
4. Model regulation and co-regulate
Children learn a great deal from watching their caregivers. If the parent remains calm, narrates their own regulation (“I’m feeling tense; I’ll take a breath”), that models behaviour children can mimic. In moments of emotional dysregulation, the parent can help the child to co-regulate: put a hand on the child’s back, speak quietly, and guide them step by step through calming down (e.g., “Let’s breathe together…”).
Children learn by example, so if their caregivers model emotional regulation, it becomes easier for the children to learn these skills.
5. Break big tasks into small, manageable chunks
Self-regulation involves not only emotional control but also executive function (working memory, planning, inhibitory control). When a task seems overwhelming (e.g., tidying a room or doing a homework assignment), help children break it into micro-steps (“first pick up books, then pencils, then toys”) and visualise progress (for example, marking off completed steps). Encourage them to pause and reassess rather than pushing through blindly.
You can also prompt them to make a short plan: “What will you do first? What might get in your way? What will you do if you feel stuck?” Over time, this will help the child to internalise planning and self-monitoring.
6. Use reflection and “think back” time
After an emotional or behavioural challenge, when everyone is calm, caregivers can engage in a reflective conversation. Questions might include:
- What happened?
- What was going through your mind or your body at that moment?
- What could you have done differently?
- What might you try next time?
This reflection helps create mental “scripts” for handling future difficulty. Consistent reflection over weeks and months strengthens self-awareness. Over time, children can learn to self-monitor their feelings and behaviour in the moment.
7. Be consistent, predictable, and supportive
A stable, predictable environment helps reduce any background stress the child may experience and frees up their energy for regulation. Consistent routines, clear expectations, and warm, responsive relationships provide a safe base from which children can practise regulating themselves. When children know their boundaries and feel supported, they are more able to focus on internal regulation.
8. Avoid over-reliance on screens or distractions as an escape
While it can be tempting to hand a device to a distressed child to help calm them down, research warns that this may hinder the development of self-regulation over time. Frequent use of “digital pacifiers” is associated with poorer emotional control later on. Instead, support the child in tolerating and working through discomfort rather than trying to escape it.
Things to bear in mind
- Progress will not always be linear: children may regress under stress or during developmental growth spurts.
- Tailor approaches to age, temperament, and individual needs. What works for a toddler won’t be identical to what works for a teenager.
- Be patient and persistent: these are skills that take months and years of consistent practice to learn.
- If difficulties are extreme or persistent (e.g., self-harm, persistent emotional dysregulation, severe behavioural issues), it is necessary to seek professional help from a mental health specialist.
Conclusion
Self-regulation is not a skill we are born with; it is built over time through supportive relationships and structures, explicit teaching, and opportunities for practice. The techniques outlined above are all grounded in developmental and educational research. When parents patiently embed these practices into everyday life, children gradually internalise the skills needed to manage emotions and behaviour more independently. Over time, that self-regulation supports better relationships, learning, and coping in life.
To learn more about emotional regulation and how to support children who have experienced trauma or adversity, contact us today to attend our H.E.L.P. – Helping Kids Cope training.