As parents, our first instinct will always be to protect our children. Seeing your child in physical or emotional pain can be very distressing, and our immediate impulse may be to try and protect them by removing whatever is causing them to feel upset. But there is an important difference between protecting our children from traumatic or harmful people, situations or events, and being over-protective.
It may be difficult to find this balance, and it may look different for every family. But if we want our children to grow up to be resilient and functional adults, we need to learn the difference between these two behaviours.
It is your duty as a parent to protect your child from people or situations that are physically dangerous or could cause permanent harm. However, it is not your job as a parent to protect your child from all hardships and stresses they will encounter in life.
Stress is a word that generally has a negative connotation. But there is good and healthy stress and then there is bad and harmful stress.
Good and healthy stress, called eustress, is temporary stress that motivates and activates our nervous system. It can be the feeling that motivates us to study for an exam or that helps us to focus when we are working on a deadline.
Bad or unhealthy stress, on the other hand, is when the stress never subsides and becomes chronic. This can be due to a toxic and chaotic home environment, abuse, or persistent bullying. This type of stress pushes our bodies into fight, flight or freeze stress responses, and can keep us stuck in these responses because the stress doesn’t end.
As parents, we want to protect our children from chronic and unhealthy stress, but we want to allow them to experience healthy and age-appropriate stress.
Studying for a test or exams at school for instance can be very stressful. But it is an age-appropriate type of stress that can be used to teach children diligence, hard work and dedication. It is also temporary because exams end and when they do children can see the results of their hard work when they get good results back.
Sports or other extramural activities that allow children to compete or perform in front of others can also be excellent sources of good stress, teaching them teamwork, hard work, and how to overcome nervousness.
Our children are often much stronger and more resilient than we give them credit for. But if we are always “taking them off the hook” and removing anything that could be potentially stressful or upsetting, we are stifling their growth opportunities.
Some examples of things that can cause unhealthy stress:
- Physical or sexual abuse – having to survive in an abusive environment will keep the child’s nervous system stuck in flight, flight or freeze response
- Volatile home environment – If the relationship between parents is volatile or even violent this will place the children under a great deal of unhealthy stress. Parents argue, but it is important to try and keep children out of these adult disputes as much as possible
- Constant bullying at school – A child being bullied may provide an opportunity to teach conflict resolution, as well as how to stand up for yourself. But if the bullying is ongoing and pervasive it may cause lasting emotional damage
- Parentification – When a child is forced to take on adult responsibilities in the home. This includes being relied on for emotional, physical, or mental support, providing conflict resolution or mediating between parents, consistently performing parental household tasks or parenting siblings
- Chaotic home environment – Structure, routine and discipline all help to provide a space in which children can feel safe and grounded because they know what the rules are, and they know what to expect.
Parents have a responsibility to protect children from unhealthy and chronic stress and to provide the support and guidance they need to help them navigate healthy stress.
Removing children completely from negative situations while growing up will only create insecurities, uncertainty, and fear of dealing with something similar later in life.
Pain and suffering are bad, but learning how to cope with difficult things will help our children grow into strong, independent and resilient adults.
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