Difficult times affect all of us. Whether it’s financial troubles, the illness or death of a loved one, mental illness, or conflict within relationships, all families experience challenges. And while the adults may bear the majority of the burden, these difficult circumstances will, unfortunately, also have an impact on the children in the family. So, how do we navigate these difficult times and support our children when the whole family is struggling?
Understanding the impact of stress on children
As children, the adults in our lives, whether it be parents, close family members, or even teachers, are the ones who help us feel safe and secure in the world. When these adults are struggling or hurting, it can make the child feel like their world isn’t as safe as they once believed it to be. This can lead to them feeling like the world is scary and unpredictable, as the adults who usually provide stability and safety no longer seem to be in control. While realising that even adults struggle and that none of us can control every aspect of our lives is an important and age-appropriate lesson that we all need to learn, it can still be scary and even traumatising for a child, especially if they don’t receive the correct support during this time.
Children may display stress and fear in different ways. They might try to assume the parental role, feeling responsible for caring for adults or siblings who are struggling. They can become easily overwhelmed and sensitive, crying or having meltdowns over even small, manageable tasks or events. They may also become angry and defiant, pushing back against rules or responsibilities. All these responses are normal reactions to feeling scared and like their lives are out of control. We don’t want children to think their emotional responses to stress are wrong or that they are bad for acting this way. Instead, we aim to support them in finding positive behaviours and coping skills to handle what’s happening around them.
How you can support your child through difficult times
- Discuss what is happening in an age-appropriate way. Depending on the child’s age, have honest conversations with them about what’s going on and how it affects them and the family. Recognise the fine line between providing enough information so they feel informed and overwhelming them with too much detail or your feelings. Remember, your child isn’t ready to handle all your emotions or the full extent of your stress and responsibilities. While it’s important to talk to them about the situation, focus on reassuring them that the adults are in control and are taking care of them.
- Bring as much structure and routine into their lives as possible. When bad things happen, it can easily make children feel like life is unpredictable and they don’t know what bad thing will happen next. Structure and routine help them know what to expect, and can help them feel more secure and safe. Regular meal times, bedtime, after-school activities, and even family time can help return a sense of safety.
- Focus on things they can control. Because life can feel out of their control, it is important to find some aspects of their lives that they do have control over. Allow them to choose what the family has for dinner one evening a week. Or allow them to move the furniture in their room around, or to decide what activity the family will do together over the weekend. Remind them that school work, as well as sports or after-school activities, are all within their control. Small actions can help remind them that they do have control over their lives.
- Encourage them to do things they enjoy. Maybe they enjoy playing sports or spending time with friends. Maybe they enjoy reading a book or watching a favourite movie, or making art. Whatever it is, encourage them just to be kids and spend time doing activities that relax them and help them regulate.
- Practice gratitude. When going through difficult times, we often get so focused on the negative things around us that we lose sight of all the positive things in our lives. As a family, work on focusing each day on five things that you are all grateful for. It can be small things, like a beloved family pet, or the fact that you have a warm meal to eat, or people who love you. Training your brain to focus on the positive rather than only the negative can have great mental health benefits for the entire family.
- Seek professional help. If you feel that the child might need more help than you are able to give them, reach out to a professional. Teaching children from a young age to ask for help when they need it and that there is no shame in seeking the services of a therapist or psychologist will benefit them throughout their lives. A professional may be able to support both your child and your family and help you navigate the challenges you are all experiencing.
Although we can’t protect our children from going through difficult times, we can show them that they are not alone. By being mindful of your role as the parent or safe adult in their lives, you can help your child move through difficult times and come out more resilient and empowered.